At school...

• Me: Why is that person staring at me.
• Me: Omg what would happen if a man just burst in the room with a gun. I would totally be the heroic person who sacrifices themselves for others.
• Me: No I don't know the answer to this question. Oh god, the teacher's going to call on me. My hand is not raised. Oh god oh god oh god, leave me alone. Act busy, just act busy. Abort mission, I repeat, abort mission.
• Me: My stomach just growled. When the fuck is lunch.
• Me: We should make a class Hunger Games. Where everyone dies.
• Me: Fuck I wish I studied..
• Me: No, seriously, never open your mouth again.
• Me: Ew, my teacher has children. They're sexually active. I wonder when they had sex for the first time. I wonder if they did drugs as a teenager. I totally bet they did.
• Me: Yeah, no, if a man walked in with a gun, I totally wouldn't sacrifice myself for these idiots. I would hide under my desk and tell him to just take them all.
• Me: Seriously, it's only been a minute.
• Me: I will never use this shit in my life.

• Girl: I'm having heart surgery today.
• Boy: I know.
• Girl: I love you!
• Boy: I love you more!
• *After heart surgery her dad is the only person in the room.*
• Girl: Where is he?
• Dad: Don't you know who gave you the heart?
• Girl: (Starts crying)
• Dad: Im just kidding he went to the bathroom.